I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
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alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.