JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
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Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
X-tra spooky blend
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
My nickname in high school was “who?”
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
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I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.