Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
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*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.