Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
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[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
This is my pinned tweet
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of