*jazz hands*
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ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely