I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
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Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Me if I was a dog
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
nobody’s gonna understand
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.