[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
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Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
#TopTip
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.