“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
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Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Customer is always right
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast