My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
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Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
How it started How it’s going
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
greetings!