Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
You Might Also Like
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.