Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
You Might Also Like
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
🤣😂🤣
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”