When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
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Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
My teenage children choosing violence
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.