*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
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Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.