Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
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I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
I love wikipedia
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…