Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
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Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
My dog after a walk in the woods.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
uncle dave has been through hell
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it