i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
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Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
where the womens at?