Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
You Might Also Like
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Merica.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes