A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
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Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.