When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
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My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.