When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
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So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.