Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
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Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Happy weekend !
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
My beach vacation Google searches
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
mathematically impossible
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?