I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
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8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
What?
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes