Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
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My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Good advice.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?