Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
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disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
I hate my earbuds.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”