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Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Good dog. ❤️
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.