*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
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The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
My brain is a bad influence on me
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
My daily affirmation
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals