*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
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[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Lucky old June.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
#Caturday
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”