My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
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When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?