My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
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man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!