ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
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Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.