Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
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“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye