I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
You Might Also Like
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.