Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
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My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Me sliding into hell like
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”