Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
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I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
the answer was staring at me all along
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.