*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
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ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
*Inspirational Tweets*
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
this chia pet tastes awful
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees