The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
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is this store having a stroke wtf
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Good morning.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”