After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
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honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
😂😂😂
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.