I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
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Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.