Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
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[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Fun Fact: If someone鈥檚 car alarm keeps going off, you鈥檙e legally obligated to set the car on fire.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
You know where I鈥檇 like to go?
Missing
Me: I鈥檒l give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that鈥檚 not how day trading works
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Karate isn鈥檛 always the solution but when it is, it鈥檚 the ONLY solution
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That鈥檚 a whisk I鈥檓 willing to take 馃檪
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Gecko at McDonald鈥檚 crawl through:
I鈥檒l have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you鈥檒l tell them it makes you angry and they鈥檒l cry and tell you they don鈥檛 want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don鈥檛 need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.