I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
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Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir