*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
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Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.