Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
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I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
(by @ZachWeiner )
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes