Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
You Might Also Like
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
🛁
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.