The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
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Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain