my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
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If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
How do you milk an almond?
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
LOL
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.