9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
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OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*