*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
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I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.