It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
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Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.