I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
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You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
When news reporters do sports stories
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
*watches the world burn*
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”