Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
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I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.